Awakening to Reality

Attention of focus in this text

I want to be sure to add a note for anyone that reads this text. That the ambition of writing my thoughts onto these pages are for multiple reasons; much will be for potential gains in revenue, while other reasons are geared towards memory and dictation of my thoughts so that I may look back on them and decide if they were correct. Or just that someone may be able to look at the words and gather help in their own struggles. I aim with this text to be of service to the world around me, as my interests have suddenly morphed into this action that must be taken.

So take all I say with the same way that I soaked in all of this information. Having guided the information into my own philosophy as I see the world around me. Mixing with my previous perspective of the world. The things I say will challenge your perception and possibly turn you away from me, and that will be fine. You may and I will never be needed to care. But if you stay, please consider the words and think over them. Meditate on the questions, as most of the answers that I suggest will create thousands of questions and all of these questions are valid.

I could speak on any of these things for hours on end. I could talk for days without pause and I know this only because each time I speak with someone and they have a spark in their eyes that I see and from these new conversations with strangers all around me, I have found endless questions to burden my endless search for a solution.

I honestly will have to force myself to not rant on too much. I aim to keep my introduction short and sweet. To highlight my adventure, but not slip into much personal detail as that could always be discussed on a more personal level, or perhaps in a tell-all, for all I know. But I have no real desire to attempt to dissect my entire life at this moment. This text is for other purposes and that has much more to deal with outreach than it does of my personal life story.

Thanks, In Advance

In advance, it is best to thank you. Assuming you have come this far into my life, I appreciate the effort. Now I hope to put your ass to work and get you to help me create my dreams. Share in the effort and join force. I still think I am nuts at times like now when I write these words, but I know somehow that all I want will come true.

This outreach is to you. You may be anyone. Give me a shout. Let me come to you. Let us work together in some fashion and discover what we may along the way. I aim for fun in my experience. I aim to find beauty in everything and everyone. With this aim, let us speed this growth and make things happen. Give me a shout.

Russell Parker

April 10th, 2018

2:22 pm

The Spiral

Crawling out of the Spiral

With concurrence to the theme of my writings, I must begin on a positive note and not on the dire Spiral of Doom that led to these realizations that I want to express. I aim to express the positive end of the spectrum. With those who will be led to read this text, you will become aware of many things that I have just become aware of. These things will open your eyes to the world around you in a way that you would never have imagined. Yet, as the title (expecting to be titled as Fuck Stuck Fuck Luck) expresses, I want to explain my interests towards building a successful enterprise that brings wealth to the community around me.

With all of this being said, I will now delve into the dark nature which has led me to face my fears and begin a path that has been nothing less than exciting, fun, and more mysterious that I ever imagined.

That Seems To Never End

The spiral could begin at any point of life. Whether you get your heart-broken by a loved one or fired by an employer, the spiral may begin at any moment when you least expect. The spiral seems to occur at the most unlikely circumstances when the person appears to be successful, happy, and whole. Yet, many times there are hidden dreams that are covered with excess of any likeness. The successful man with all the money that could be allowed may be missing the element of family — of the time spent with his own family.

My spiral began once after a broken heart. Another time after several job losses–lost with no goal set in sight. Another time after realizing that a game addiction took over my life. Another time after I could not find a proper job. Another time after I realized that I regretted my entire setup of life that I created. I could go on, but that would continue to fill a page in misery.

The spiral has gotten me fat. The spiral has brought broken hearts — mine and others’. The spiral breaks people beyond recognition. The spiral can be stopped, but only at the time when the person who is falling hits a plateau. Or a valley. Is able to look around. Often, these times are short windows, where the victim of the fall asks for the assistance to get out. The spiral will suck you down, yet again. Unless there is someone to guide them as they look for help. A helping hand is not only needed, but highly appreciated once the final realization takes place. Even though one doesn’t know it then, always, after they look back and see the path that led them “here”, they remember and hold you with respect for the effort that you showed them along their way. And even as a random stranger, each effort produces an effect that spreads around, even without the secondary contact with that same stranger.


Life has brought great struggles along my path to find acceptable work. I have gone through many jobs, varying from restaurant dishwasher to construction worker and even up into engineering roles as of recent. Each role brings me satisfaction with a new task learned, honed, and appreciated. Aiding in my next endeavor by luck it would seem as I would enjoy that task until another landed in my way that brought me more challenges to solve.

It took many years before realizing that the biggest problem that I faced was that I did not have enough problems to solve. Nor that I had the authority to create these changes that are obviously, desperately needed by each employer that I worked under. I have never fully appreciated a boss. I have very little patience for a boss that has no “good answers” and I have lost much respect from many in my past. This ultimately has brought me to the realization that I must be a leader of my own profession and that I will have to fit some need to society.

This hunger for a place in society guided me to welding. I learned a great skill. Honed my abilities. Had prepared myself by fully immersing myself into training in that skill. This was directly after/during my stint with World of Warcraft. This helped to end my addiction with W.O.W. The grip that it had on me was severe, but I desired to join society and had a little guidance during the small moment when I first looked for help.

The welding was a grand experience. One where my utilities and expenses were gracefully covered by my mother, once again. I received additional aid from the state of Georgia, to cover my recreational activities and personal activities along the way. I immersed my life into welding. I was a student, but I worked as-if I was an employee for the majority of two years, spending forty hour weeks under the mask or behind the shield while grinding metal. I would have been there more, but the school did not plan for obsessive students!

The work was tough. I sweated gallons each day. Our class drank coffee at an insane rate of around one pot per student. This only accounts for the several dedicated students. There were seven at most — out of forty. With only a couple of those students having pure, natural talent. The majority of us seven just worked our butts off and we each assisted other students with their problems. As in every position that I have ever held capacity, I rose to the leadership [slash] teaching role as I saw fit — to keep flow running smoothly.

Welding is wonderful. Welding increases your ability to gain flow in a task. TIG is my preferred method of welding. TIG (typically) requires the main hand to hold a nozzle which provides shielding gas and an electric current. While the off-hand holds a filler metal which is dipped into the joint (weld area) while the nozzle melts and binds the filler metal to the joint (basically). The task is extremely hot, but contained to a small location that barely exists beyond your hands that hopefully are protected by the extreme heat that tends to build in molten metal below you.

TIG is tons of fun. I began to invest much of my time in learning the art of pipe welding. This made me realize that pipe welding is very difficult to breach the tipping point of superb welder. As the premiere welding test required is that of the “fixed-6G”, which is a pipe at a 45 degree angle (I may be wrong here) and fixed in location. The welder must create a weld from only one side of the pipe. The angle of the pipe forces the welder to use many hand and body positions, all of which have to be progressively learned because each position requires a different approach. The luck to have a “golden arm” will breach the point of breakthrough and achieve a root-bead across the entire path with quickness. Then the remainder of the training takes time for every welder. Where you only truly gain master-ship with having a professional job. The professional job forces many hours, pressure for improvement, and structure to improve on the many required tests that the profession requires.

I soon became distracted by the profession of Drafting, once again. Changing my path towards education. Ultimately towards design and then to engineering. The ever-changing path of my employ-ability only seems to increase the possibility of finding another job, yet instead my reach is for another branch of work and to learn a new skill instead of continuing on with the same boring path that I have already grown out of.

This has brought me here. Just having begun a path towards bringing my name into the light of the public. To push projects that are grand in affect. To bring wealth to my life through the many avenues that I have always dreamed of having abundance with. The dreams that I have wished are beginning to come true. This path is starting anew. With it, I want to express my plans. I want to wish my well thoughts and provide a starting place for others searching for their truth. I also wish to join force with you to bring a new life to this world. To bring opportunity to the aspects of life that have been suppressed for far to long. To bring large projects into existence–not just my own, but others’ who have passion to help the communities around them. I have found an obsession to bring life to the environment around me. Without total vagueness, from the start, an idea that I wish to bring to life is to bring Permaculture to the city. This dream is huge, with a network of goods exchanged and to connect with a foundation to assist with homelessness.

The idea is incomplete. I need assistance to bring this to light. One aspect of this script is to bring awareness to my concept and call for help in the project.

The Spiral Not-Described

I had initially planned to detail the anguish that I had suffered throughout my life. From childhood to now, but instead I wish to surpass all the negative aspect of this journey. There will be plenty time for reminiscing in the future. There will be time to write that book if I ever do wish. I have no need to explain the pain. If you could relate, you will with what I will say. I am certain I will slip into story of a painful moment along the way, but as for introduction of the Spiral Downward, you already know your own and therefore you can already relate to my troubles because you too have known those same emotions.

Fuck It Time


The first break that I requested from work for recreational reasons was to go see “The Great American Eclipse” on August 21, 2017. My quest brought me to Clemson, South Carolina as it had the best overall odds to have the best weather for the experience. That would be within reasonable distance from Savannah, Georgia. The plan could not have been executed any better as the weather was spectacular and the eclipse was fully witnessed by the flocks of people on the university campus where I arrived. I passed through many mountains along the way to and from the site. I stayed a couple nights in my vehicle, in the mountains, enjoying the fresh air. I love the mountains. The trip was great. But I did not feel the “life changing” experience as people explain. Not yet, anyhow.

I returned from the trip and the final straw occurred for me. Within two weeks, I was laid-off from my most recent position. With anger, I lashed out for five minutes. I was hot. I texted a couple friends and complained. But then I realized all of a sudden that I had to stop.

I stopped complaining and said “Thanks”. Openly, to God, I suppose. Hell I didn’t know. I wasn’t religious, nor did I say a prayer for many years prior, but at that time, I decided to go forward “In Thanks” — Thanks for allowing me to be finished with that job that I felt so stuck inside of.

I was stuck in a job that I could not seem to move up within the ranks. I have no reason to belittle any management within any job that I ever worked at. Honestly, with that position, I know that my job was up for cutting at any time, because my role was marginalized and I actually was having trouble finding a useful usage of my time at work. My duties were spread fairly wide, but my own personality clashed with the role that the position began to require and my rebellious nature does not suit well to forced lifestyle within my work environment.

All the while, feeling stuck in a cycle of waiting for my “experience” to be sufficient to gain a more prosperous role within engineering. To find a Tooling Designer 2 or 3 position or a position for Secondary or Primary Structures in aerospace. I had already gained nearly four years experience in aerospace by the time that my position ended. I have all that under my belt, but then it was also difficult to land another position. I had been looking, occasionally/sporadically for months. The new position would bump my pay from that of pathetic to a generous wage of 38 plus per hour. This new pay would allow my old plans of real estate investing to take off with a sprint. That was the plan, but fate has changed my plans. The path hasn’t allowed the ease of a fancy, high paying aerospace design gig. The path doesn’t want me to continue to use my CATIA skills to bring my wealth, even though I daily dream to own a license of CATIA, so that I can draw my many ideas and bring them to life with ease.

Giving Up

Having already begun to explain the process, I will further explain the reality of how this happened. Without embarrassment, I have learned to love the experience, no matter how uncomfortable it may appear to be, to allow someone to see you in an emotional state that is open and forgiving.

I gave up on the dream that I had been crafting. I said, “fuck it all. I give up. Take it all, whatever I have. Just show me my next step.” To God, it may as well have been, even though I barely believed in religion. I had no faith, but I decided to give up. I decided to give up in a different way than I had ever given up. I decided to give up on running from my fears. I decided to give up on owning regret as my main issue. Having regret for each day that I decided to skip on the many things that I wanted in my life. This all can be said from anything from the women that I desired, to the activities in my spare time, to the total lack of social life, to the control that I seemed to lack in my goals. I decided to give up on finding my own way. I decided to trust in some guide to pop up in my life. I did not care if it was religion… I would follow if it made sense. I would do whatever it took to find the next step, but I would only follow my gut.

Following My Gut

Following my gut. I feel that I cannot fully express my entire story here and now, but that I began to follow my gut is enough of a beginning to delve into. I began to follow my gut. That reaction that I had been ignoring for years, for decades, for most of my life. I know I have followed it much over the years, but there are key moments that looking back and I decided to go against my gut and only to find that a dire situation occurred after ignoring that sensation. That other-worldly sensation that somehow has perfect guidance.

For instance as one of the latest dire consequences resulting from not following my gut, I received a DUI. This lesson was certainly needed, the punishment was not fun, with resulting experiences that snowballed to a short stint in the local cell. When, if I had listened to my gut, I would not have ever driven that short distance. I remember that moment, often, I remember that actual, physical gut reaction. The type that you feel emotionally as well as physically. But I persisted and ignored. To find myself in a shitty situation in the very near future.

I have grown well beyond that story in the months following that event. I look back in fear that I would have to go through the same experience, yet now, with my current mindset, I have no intention of breaking the rule of not following my gut. The gut protects me.

Search for Truth

Truth called for me. I searched all over for it. After the final straw. I had given up. I had asked for guidance and I began to find it on the internet. I began to watch videos about conspiracy, Revelations, end-of-world predictions. I jumped down the rabbit hole of suspicion and mystery. I have seen thousands of videos by now that run the gambit from A to Z. I have followed every path that I find and with scrutiny, comparing each bit of evidence to the next and yet again to the next. Until all the “nexts” have been uncovered, at least up until this point. This day being April the 10th of 2018.

I have built a vision of the reality that surrounds us all. I have used example by many people of whom I will have to attempt to acknowledge. As many mentors of my past, have all added knowledge or wisdom to my line-up, in which I cannot even begin to untie the knot of the message; it has all intertwined by now. And the message that I express is that of wholeness, in which is difficult to ascribe to any one person. As the truth that exists has always existed, but has been hidden. But now, in these times, the information has been revealed to the masses, and with others like myself. We have begun to spread our own messages across the globe in order to aid in bringing change to our own surroundings.

Even though I will jump out of place in the context of “searching for truth”, it must be said that this entire text is an outreach to find assistance in this path. In the path to express our own wishes upon this planet and to grab hold of the vision of the people around us. In that our wishes will come to fruition. I expect to bring much of my own vision into reality and that reality is grand. I know there is much to be done to bring even the smallest of these ideas to actuality.

Call to the Mountains

Desires overtook my life within the days after giving up. I had broke down and decided to search for truth. I was called for the mountains, yet my vehicle was in the shop. I was unable to drive to the mountains. I had to remain for three weeks; in frustration and boredom, I delved into that rabbit hole of conspiracy. I watched hundreds of videos and had slowly began to look into religion once again. I had grown up in the church and during each time of crisis, I become drawn to re-investigate the idea of religion. In the past, each time resulted in no change of mind. The church has never truly helped my esteem.

I finally broke free of that momentum by borrowing my father’s old truck. Leaving with haste [and will] to drive to Colorado. Let me be honest and admit that I desired the wonderful experience of legal marijuana, but I also wanted to experience the humidity-free environment of the Mid-West. I wanted to climb a mountain in the Rockies. I wanted to bathe in cold mountain water. I wanted to quit tobacco upon arrival. I had plans to quit while highly influenced by powerful strains of marijuana!

I did manage to quit. For a full week. Until the trip back from Colorado.

I had wanted to return to GA so that I could compete in a race (that I wound up having to miss and give my ticket to a worthy cause). This would have been my first-ever race. I was barely trained, but willing to run a 3 mile Savage (mud, obstacle race) on a whim. I would have been fine . . . maybe, but the running would have sucked.

Anyhow, the trip ended short. The truck fell apart in Kansas. The value of the vehicle was not worth the trouble of fixing or towing or caring about. I left it on the side of the road, gained a quick ride (luckily) from a nearby friendly gas station attendant. Whom he and his lady had given me a ride that turned into a short wild-goose chase to find a bus station.

The bus ride was interesting. I met a fellow who was fresh out of prison. He had his own issues that were obvious to be addiction related and likely additional mental illness. I fed him a meal at one train station. Where I met a fellow who was awaiting another line. He, too, took pity on the guy and tried hard to give the guy a pair of shoes (he had prison flip-flops on his feet). The guy refused the shoes — his dignity won that fight. We all spoke together and shared stories a bit and the acquaintance and I attempted to spread good will to this guy.

This was one of the first times since I began my search for Truth that I realized what I needed to do.

The Realization

Further Preparations

Deeper into the rabbit hole, I had plunged. I dug deep into meaning and had no ambitions to stumble onto the many things that I eventually learned about. In this next few weeks of preparation of awaiting for my car to be finished from the shop — it had been expected to be finished/completed from repair. This is the reason that I returned from Colorado. I wanted to get my car and return, with haste to continue with my fun in Colorado and to also compete in the Savage race with my cousin.

Yet, instead, I sat in distress with a mechanic slowly working on my vehicle. The parts had taken forever in shipping. The problems compiled with more problems during the fixing.

All during this time, investigating deeper into the hole of crazy — of deep meaning. Until the car finally became available and I hastily left town, in pursuit of finishing my final three weeks of Unemployment Insurance while vacationing in a beautiful environment. Allowing me to delve into a water fast as this was my current fascination. Allowing me to once again quit the tobacco, learn to meditate, learn to properly water fast, smoke a large quantity of herb, and enjoy the rest of my vacation while I thought about my latest research.

Colorado Trip 2

I finally managed to return to Colorado. This is about the time I will begin to delve into the more interesting aspect of my journey. This is around the time where I begun to realize the Truth as I have begun to accept it.

This is also the time in which I will take a break. I have listed my book outline. This will complete the third hour of writing and though I really wish I could continue for now, my eyes are beginning to fall in frustration. I want to obsessively remain in the story mode, to continue in my pursuit to rage on into the night and continue my long rant. As I could rant for hours and hours without need to stop as long as I believe that what I am writing very well may be of interest to someone. If not just myself — my future self as I like to say. So that I can look back and see where I have been and what I was thinking at the time. To laugh or cry when seeing how stupid or possibly wise I was at the time. As for now, in this moment, as always, I feel wise as can be. But then again, it seems one always feels that way, unless they have been repeatedly dumped upon. And that my friend, tends to be most of humankind in this society. I really do need to break, in this informal fashion, I wish to present this book. As my personality will show, going forward, I am rebellious by nature and with this force of nature within, I will rebel in all ways in which I see fit in order to bring about the future that I believe we all deserve. And that includes me. I deserve to achieve the goals that I set and with that affirmation that I deserve this, I also know that I only deserve what I chase and right now, I chase wealth in various sectors of my life. As much as I want to obsessively push on through the night and write more about the subject of this, which brings me much gladness to actually be able to present to my peers. To be the force of change in my own life and also to help be a force of change in my friends. And also I am very thankful that I have found a group of friends that actually allow themselves to be pushed — in good direction. For as of now, I have denounced friendship to anyone who is not moving forward toward their goals. I have no inclination to allow you to remain within my umbrella of attention, unless you plan to either help with my goals or to pursue your own goals, which ultimately will align with mine–assuming you have the best of intentions. And with that note, I will break. To bed at 3:13 am. I began my first words just before midnight and with practically no break, I have reached this far in my writing. Yet it is just a wee start to what I know will take days at minimum, even if I remain to sit here at this time. So I should break for sleep. I need to pursue the other several tasks within the range of ideas that I need to pursue. I want to thank my new friend who inspired me to write a book. For whatever it may be worth, I wish it only good intentions and hope to find another person like myself, whom wishes to spread goodwill to their neighborhoods. I aim to spread my base of friends, my network of influence, and to build transitions from one perspective to another. To open doors to possibilities and look for doors and bridges between those doors and to link them as much as possible in order to allow this quantum shift of mankind to transpire.

Returning from the break, I will attempt to pick up where I left on. The course on which I had followed was to Colorado. As a note, for myself, it is 10:51 am, Tuesday, on April 10th of 2018. And I am beginning to finish my adventure of writing my details and mission on paper and some of how I got to where I am now. Then where to that I am heading.

Colorado Again

The plan for trip two to Colorado was simple. As by now I had already fully immersed myself into an experience of discovery about my body and my limits. I was obsessively limiting myself to pleasure of food. I dove into the world of fasting. The mysterious place where no one really understands, until they try it themselves. The deprivation of food will bring intense rewards that rival that of any other healthful experience. Fasting, generally, is feared by anyone who has not accomplished this feat. It sounds dangerous and stupid. Why would one ever care if they could survive without food? There is food everywhere!

Perhaps my stoic nature has been enhanced. I enjoy the effects that the effort of stoicism brings to my life. As example, yoga is a stoic practice. Whether you believe this or not, it is true. The pushing of your ligaments, tendons, muscles, and all the bits in-between is a very punishing feat. Each day after a brutal stretching session creates soreness that often surpasses muscle fatigue from weightlifting. With each training day under my belt, the ability to stretch further increases. I could list examples to fill more pages, but it seems pointless. If you do not see my point, then one more example will not assist.

Fasting brings balance to the body. Fasting cleanses the body. Fasting allows your body to focus on healing instead of food processing. The body is not nearly as efficient in processing food as people seem to imagine. However, with practice, the body will sustain your every movement with ease — without a steady supply of food. But you will never know this unless you give it an earnest attempt. Without continuing to ramble on about a subject that I very likely will cover once again, I will continue with the narrative.

I had planned to fast for three weeks!! A feat that I have yet to attempt since. I wound up breaking through without the three weeks. I only needed three days.

I had my red car. Finally, the shop released it from service. However, the heater did not work. I quickly discovered this while driving across America. The next few nights were to be very cold and the blankets that I brought were not enough. I managed to snag a few along the way. During the trip, I started to begin meeting interesting people. I really didn’t come across many, but the fact is that this is when it started happening — and now, this happens on a daily basis. I used WalMarts along the way as my sleeping locations. Typically, along the interstates, WalMart allows the usage of their parking — knowing that the guests will be daily patrons of their wide range of goods.

At one of the stores, I pulled up to see a box truck parked beside a drop-off container for clothing. The man had the container unloaded with bags everywhere. I assumed that he was likely a volunteer or even serving his probation sentence. I offered to assist with his work. We loaded his truck and talked. As we did, two ladies pulled up with their station wagon. They were given a heads up by the man; to come and grab some of the bulk for free. They had plans to sell on Ebay or at the flea market or whatever. These ladies were nuts. Nuts in a good way; they were a hoot! Lively. Excited and Thankful. What they received was not much in value, but to them it was a paycheck that was difficult to find otherwise. The ladies filled their wagon and left for fast food. Asking on their way out if the man or I wanted a burger . . . on them. I declined due to my fasting, and so did the man. We quickly finished up.

I had a bit of herb and so I offered to smoke with him. He accepted and then we talked. This conversation, which I cannot recall at this moment, is remembered to have been fairly emotional. He told me a story of his mother; unfortunately I cannot remember, but I have no reason to tell his story anyhow. He didn’t cry or anything, but the talk was very emotional. He felt totally free with me. He spilled his guts and told me that he had never told anyone that story. “Thanks man. I am honored.”

On down the way, I met a few more people who I spoke with, but nothing to the degree of the man with the box truck. Once arriving to Colorado, I barely spoke to anyone. Only really to the herb store attendant. I kept seeing him around in the next couple days. I kept to myself because with what I was doing, I had to stay away from people, food, attention.

The snow began as soon as I reached Colorado. The lengthy drive ended at the parking lot of the first herb shop! I walked in the parking lot, initially bare-chested, to test my prowess of cold resistance through breathe training. I received many odd looks as even the Coloradans looked almost like that kid off of The Christmas Story. Fun for a moment. I found my parking spot for the next three days and bought my first herb. I then began the fasting experience which lasted for three solid days.

I copied from my original blog post, regarding this experience. May as well use the statements that were fresh on my mind, opposed to the view from now. I will edit and add as I see fit. I just needed to add this statement. Some of the context may not be included, but I doubt that these missing clues will put holes in the story. As a note to start, I was on unemployment insurance, with three remaining weeks (to my knowledge) and had expected to possibly even drive to see sequoia and redwood trees in California.

On the last day of the trip, I gained a level of peace of mind that was similar to LSD. After fasting for three days, while meditating and listening to calming music for the majority of duration, the tranquility that I gained will not go unforgotten in the near future.

With the comparison to LSD, I am not ashamed to say that I certainly were smoking copious quantities of marijuana, yet with my experience—it was barely beyond my normal and only added to the experience — not creating it entirely as it could have done twenty years ago.

The effect was noticed as the time came when I was practically forced by society to enter back into its grasp when the Department of Labor declined payment. I decided that fate just would not allow me to continue; so I exited the car after sitting or lying within for forty or so hours. I had been covered, head to toe, in blankets to shield the freezing air and sunlight. Only coming out from the blankets in recent hours to crank the car for battery recovery or to alight a bowl of medicine.

Upon exit of the car, I entered the grocer. I felt as though my brain was fully active and aware, though I was in a fog of illusion where text did not make sense. The titles on merchandise were oddly incoherent and created problems when looking at the products. Confusion was heightened until I realized that I was in some strange state which I likened to LSD.

Colors were vibrant. People were looking at me strangely as I passed due to my wide grin and also due to my casual dress in freezing winter conditions. My short britches stuck out like a blackened eye.

Colors on display cases were vibrant and each sign brought me to stop in my tracks like a deer to a headlight. I would pick up an object to stare at — only to discover it to be a common household item — and laugh at the observation.

The cashier was lovely. Expecting that I was merely baked to the gills like the common pothead of Colorado. I talked for a moment, forgot my wallet. Then my key. Barely making it out with my two pouches of candy.

The cloudy blue sky was serene as I walked back to the car.

As I cranked the car to leave, the blissful state had barely drifted away and I hesitated to drive. Yet I persisted and fumbled with the iPhone to enter a destination to the GPS.

Upon site of the first sign, confusion was still apparent, but I knew I’d be fine. The road was long and straight. After three hours, I arrived and had angered each driver (certainly). My speed varied from 45-70 and the limit was 75 mph. Though that stretch had perhaps only a dozen participants; the road was desolate.

The sensation persisted until I slept.


bliss: perfect happiness; great joy.

Perhaps I was not in a full state of bliss, but compared to any other time in my life, I had found bliss. That passage of time will likely stay in my mind for quite some time. The feeling of having no cares, no worries, no ambitions — only curiosity. One cannot really describe the state as it is, without having been in a state of nearly the same caliber. I really cannot even explain with reference to LSD, but that was nearly the feeling. With LSD, the world warps and twists around you. Hilarity finds its home in every detail of your vision and in this, these states differed. With the state of mind that I found myself in, I did have that laughter, but not at for every time a breeze blew. I find it impossible to even begin to describe.

For those of you whom have taken the trip down LSD lane, you have also found it impossible to describe the entire essence of the experience. I find it difficult to even describe the reasons for which you cannot describe the experience. In that the experience doesn’t just hit you on a visionary level as people like to imagine. The visual changes from LSD are typically fairly rare, assuming that you are taking a “party dose” of 1-3 doses — and this is the range where I always stayed within. Even though there is much confusion and wonder while you stare at items, the visual effects are not the main reason to eat this substance. The experience envelops your entire being: mind, body, and soul. Or so it would seem during and after and with the way your perception is forever changed afterwards. LSD is life-altering. It will change the way you look at society. It will morph your reality even after the chemical has worn off. It is this experience that is impossible to explain with words. The effects are felt on every level of the self. Emotional, spiritual, physical, humour, and any other “feeling” that could be felt is different. Food tastes different: bland, like sand. Textures feel different. EVERYTHING is different.

That is why I cannot explain the Bliss state, but it was wonderful. Of the most wonderful.

Returning Home

That initial three-hour trip was the beginning of the trip home. The trip was quick. Though I wanted to meander along and around before returning, but my cash was tight. I didn’t manage to see my nephew like I wanted; as I expected. But on toward the house I went. I thought for the entire duration home about what could be next. I was still searching for Truth.

Religious Disclosure

“I am Christian as fuck.” I coined that phrase during the time leading up to Easter. I cannot say that I am a Christian anymore. Not purely. It gives me an icky connotation to associate myself with the whole of religion. I am not even certain if a human named Jesus even existed, much less do I own the belief that [that] man died on a cross. By me saying that I am “Christian As Fuck” is using the AF to signify that I am excessively Christian. But that does not explain much. That only prolongs the confusion to the other side of conversation.

As to explain what I mean by this:

[You] believe that the story of Jesus was real. That he was born in a manager. That wise men chased him across a country via camel, following a star in the sky. That he was born perfect. That he came out of hiding at the age of 30, died at 33 willingly, by sacrifice.

However, I understand that this description has pieces of metaphors that correspond to the anatomy of a human being. That these metaphors are explaining processes and techniques that are to be used to enhance your life in unimaginable ways.

[You] believe that Jesus and his 12 disciples went around spreading the word. Beginning a church. You think you are a member of that church (assuming this [You] is any denomination of Christianity or even Catholicism).

I acknowledge that Jesus may have been working with his disciples to spread the word, but he did not want to start the church that you belong to. His message was more like mine. To the effect of that you are also a Son of God. There is also much symbolism in there as well. 

[You] believe that God is a man (has gender — has unique personality). You believe that God was an angry god in much of the Old Testament. You do not understand, truly, the reason that God flip-flops from anger, rage, and violent temper to that of love, understanding, grace, and compassion.

I see the angry forms of God, the Hell, the condemnation, the sulfur, and the attacks on his own people as metaphor. The obsessive control, the gentle love, the compassion, the anger, the freedom, the slavery . . . this is all metaphor. All this metaphor relates to your anatomy, your personality, transitions through life, transitions through monthly journeys, seasonal changes, annual events, and further beyond to millennial events as such as those that we are transitioning into at this very moment.


The #1 Motivator

I wrote the title in essence to describe how fear is such a negative motivator that it has a tendency to create destruction within the lives of the fearful. Yet, on the contrary. On the flip-side, when that fear has been harnessed and controlled — honed into a useful tool, then it may prove its worth in gold.

On the note of that, I would suggest this still to be a dangerous avenue to continue down. The one who is using fear as that motivator will likely not have the additional foresight to control that fear enough to make it go away. So, in that context, I believe that the fear-driven success factor is a horrible method. This fear could be pushed by any means. The fear could easily be placed due to a metric placed on the salesman. To hit the target number of sales per month or day. To have that fear on his weekly paycheck, or just the fear of not creating enough sales.

You will likely see me using sales as a general term. I have invested my perspective towards that of a salesman and much less of anything else at this point. I do not see myself as a worker, an engineer, an idea man, but I am all of those things. However, ultimately, I am coming to find out that the role that I must continue on with is to be a salesman of these ideas and the salesman of the services and businesses that I aim to build in the upcoming days.

Initially, the fear that I wanted to speak of is to that of the typical American. Everyone is fearful. Afraid of everything around them. Whether from the news, from their religion, from their jobs, from their diets, from their doctors, from their children’s teachers, from their own death . . . the list is endless. With no end in sight.

Would you like to wipe all of the fears away?

This is a serious suggestion and one that you should consider. It is not a question that I had ever considered in my past, but I had no clue that an idea such as this even existed. You can not understand what you are not even aware of. I enjoy the idea of this statement: “you cannot see what you do not understand”, “you cannot see what you are not aware of”. One of these, or of that variation. I have no idea who could have said it. It makes me think quite often. It is a wise statement because the statement can be place on any old trivial topic like, “there is a network of channels underground that connect all living plants in a region. This network provides a share-space for all incoming and outgoing nutrients”.

But you had no idea this even existed. Yet you can see it when you dig into the earth with your own bare hands. Mycelium. It is an amazing topic. You should stop reading in this very instant and go check it out. But I will introduce this topic later, I am quite sure, because I once again see a cross-over with this idea. This represents the idea that encompasses my idea for share-usage of a city’s neighborhood plant life. The mycelium is much more robust and natural, flowing. It makes you wonder how efficient the system is. I would expect a perfect-based efficiency, as in that even if one plant dies, then the whole system still will not fail because there truly is no perfect setup of garden. Even to nature, the dirt is well.

It is whole — without.

Fear can be eradicated. Or at least to a much greater degree than what you currently sit with. I honestly don’t know how evolved I am in this process. I wonder about my fear of heights, for instance. I know for fact that I have surpassed my greatest fear of my entire life already. Well, you could put that as the greatest two fears:

  • The Fear of Death
    • Perhaps that would be best described as the fear of not understanding or believing what occurs after death
    • The fear of Hell or even of Heaven
    • The fear of being stuck in stasis
  • The Fear of Speaking
    • Mostly in front of crowds
    • Fear of rejection of ideas

Destroy Your Fear

I should stop here for a short rant regarding my medical history. To talk about the issues that I have overcome and how they have ended up morphing my outlook on life. To explain how I overcame my greatest fear: speaking in public. I opened a whole new shift in perspective. Suddenly, I have had opportunities come to me in waves. I have opened a new channel of speaking with people that has brought me to realize that I do have a voice that can create substantial change.

But this came very difficult to me. As a child, my voice was not normal. I sounded squeaky, scratchy, or something. I really cannot describe the way that I sounded to other people because I never sounded strange to myself. I could only hear my own words, the ones that I said. I couldn’t hear what they could hear. I was clueless, but I did know that I was heavily picked-on for my problem. Children are brutal.

Luckily, as puberty transformed my body, the process also developed my vocal chords fully. Yet, because I never (ever) could hear the scratchy version of myself, I still have no clue what I originally sounded like. Thus, I never knew if I healed from that. I was uncomfortable with the sound of my voice until I reached the age of say 34 or 35. And even then, I still worried that I sounded “funny”. The fear never faded with age. I had no clue how to make that fear go away.

Unfortunately, these issues stay with a person far into adulthood. If the issue is never faced and then forgiven, then it will never fully heal. I had to face these old fears in order to overcome them, finally–for good. Now, after much struggle and challenge in facing the obstacles of meeting people face-to-face and having real conversations, I have come to really enjoy each encounter. I am 100% relaxed in most environments and if I do not feel that relaxation, then I either attempt to change the mood of the room and succeed or exit the situation.

I have full control over any audience, as I engage with a crowd. Not in any sadistic type of manner, but that I can capture the gaze of anyone whom I wish because of the attitude that I am now able to present to other people. I have managed to pop the bubble on my introversion and feel much more like an extrovert. Now that I have overcome the highest hurdle (so far), in my life, I really feel like my goals have been set far too low. I have full control over what occurs next in my life. Because I made this HUGE change, I know that I can begin to create more change around me.

That is the ultimate reward that I have uncovered so far. The reward of confidence after knowing that you killed the beast that has been holding you back. The one that has held you, trapped in a corner, for much of your life. Once that beast is dead and you are able to breathe for the first time in a relaxed manner. You begin to feel more confident while in the environment where you once would have suffered. The torment ends and you find Heaven in your prior Hell. Once you find this to be true, you know you have beaten your beast into submission. He is now your slave and you may use him for your own will.

I believe that this beast that I have beat down into submission will now be my strongest ally as I continue to break into the sphere of business. I know that I must raise my voice and be louder than I have ever been. I have to embrace this amazing reward and use it to my advantage. If I do not use the new tool, then I would be afraid of the consequences. There was much anguish through emotional turmoil to lead to this point. I cannot say that it was easy. It was simple. It was painful. More painful than anything, ever. But now that it is over, I am a new person.


This book has aim to fill with solutions, but a solution requires full attention. A solution requires intense dedication and the will to change. The solution is not simple in a way that you would imagine after seeing my text above. The simplicity of it is that you must let-go of your life. You must be ready to destroy yourself in the process. That was for me at least. I was to the point of giving up on control. The control that I had held for my whole life up until now. I drift around without that control now. I aim to control, but know that if I attempt to gain control, then I will begin to miss out on the magic that happens around every corner without the control.

In the end, I would rather have the magic. I would rather have the coincidences. I would rather my entire life become magnificent than to continue on with trying to push my wants onto the grid of life. Instead, I allow them to happen.

Once you get along the path of allowing things to happen, you begin to realize that all the things that have begun to happen are all of the same things that you always dreamed about. You also begin to see that the patterns that have emerged throughout your life will now begin to break.

I will get into solutions a bit later on. I will describe techniques to begin. I imagine that those pages will be rather short, but concise. With just a few simple changes, you may be well on your way to bringing these changes. However, if you have the mindset to go through this awakening experience, then you better prepare yourself. Along the way, you will feel broken beyond anything that you’ve experienced. You very well may want to quit the process along the way. I feel like I had no options present to deter from the ordeal. It just kinda happened to me anyhow. Once I was far along in the techniques that I describe is the time when things began to change. Honestly, I have no idea if the techniques created these changes, the entirety of the changes. But I am very certain that if I had not begun the work from years before, then I would not have had the opportunity to experience this. I feel that the techniques led me to the point to where I gained this opportunity. That the techniques prepped my body for upheaval.

Perhaps you will manage to go through all of the techniques with no change in behavior, spiritual, or emotional connection, but I highly doubt this. Hopefully I will get around to explaining this doubt in this text as I see much correlation in the body, mind, and spirit.


My Number One Tool

The best tool in my lineup is obsession. Looking at this screen and thinking of how this power came to be, for myself is fairly impossible as I have no recollection of another way of life. If at any point in life that I see a goal to reach, then I aim for that goal with persistence and tunnel vision. I have not always gained the exact success I wanted, yet I still immersed myself into the environment, morphing my attitude to fit the situation. I could take examples from any area of life:

  • walking barefoot — refusal to wear shoes as much as possible
  • drinking alcohol — I could hang with nearly the best of the drunks, hastily chugging drinks to quickly get buzzed
  • marijuana and psychedelics — jumped head first and enjoyed every minute
  • gaming — learned to lead armies into battle, became a leader in that arena
  • school — devoting triple the investment of practice over my classmates
  • diet — attempting each and every diet that you have ever heard of, testing the results with my own flesh, harnessing the power of fasting, juicing, and bowel cleansing
  • business (currently) — devoting my entire source of energy between thought and action

This is how I create my success in any field. Whether it has yet to be noticed has been impossible to reveal, because my plan has always been long-term to begin. However, I never even imagined conquering the fear of public speaking in the process. Therefore, now I only imagine that success rate increasing in exponential ways. The passion that is pushed into any area of your life once you finally become wholeheartedly obsessed with results has the force to blow down obstacles in your path. Hell, this passion has opened my voice for the first time. This discovery is even more reason to step out and become active. I never imagined that I would overcome that obstacle, but through this tunnel vision, I have managed to knock down those walls in the process.

With any goal that you add intense thought into, you will soon add the action that is required to come true. This is inevitable. For me, it is. I would like to think that I am not all that special in that regard, but you never know when this action will finally arise, when it will finally release without the initial action and the acceptance that you are ready to begin.

For myself, this only happened after I accepted defeat in avoidance of the fears that kept me from beginning. As confusing as that probably appears at first glance, it sure sounded funny rolling off the fingertips, what I meant to say was that when I finally decided to stop acting like a chicken-shit, that I accepted the defeat of this task.

We all fight these wars. We fight to keep ignoring our dreams because they are frightening. Either the rejection that would occur once we step out and make our request or that we actually have to finally place roots and dedicate to our victory. For myself, both of these fears ring true, because I have never wanted to settle into the stuck mode that everyone around me seems to live in. The idea of starting that business, but then being responsible for the problems as they arise is frightening on its own. To be stuck in place, committed to misery — I could never have done that, but now I see this as the only way to appease my sensibilities. I have to keep my integrity and the integrity that drives me is one that has me committed to achieving great success in my life. I have no need to compare the prowess of my success or achievements, for now. As of now, I only see that competition as being between myself and my possible self and that is actually the strongest foe that I face. The possible me, whom is also strategizing on how to outwit me, how to advance beyond my forces or rival in competition. But I also do not see the need for competition. There really is no competition for me — only obstacles in my way. The so-called competition will need my services at some point and then as they are my customer, who is to blame them for attempting to compete with me?

Tunnel Vision

My “attention deficit disorder” attempts to wreck my focus. The quotes are to show my disdain towards this label because I despise the way in which an overactive imagination is put-down in this society. For myself, the ADD symptoms have been abundant throughout my entire life. However, I have learned to hone them with Tunnel Vision.

Let’s go into the ADD myth for a moment. See if I can gain a little insight on the idea. Place my ideas and see why this is so silly.

First off, we all know that each of our personalities are different. We are not the same peoples, no matter how much we try to say that we are. We each have the same overarching structure of bones, skin, etc. We each have souls. We each have a connection to the spiritual world. We all communicate nearly the same. We all have fairly common dreams, goals, and ambitions. But with all that sameness, we are all each on different parts of our journeys and in that, we are not the same.

When a child is in a mode that easily allows him to be labeled as a kid with ADD, he will be showing all the normal signs of unease, play, boredom, disinterest, and obsessive engagement to (secondary interest) distractions. Certainly, this list could be lengthened, but the point has already been created. The child will become interested in multiple ideas at once — or better yet, will be interested in a task that “is not cared about currently”.

This all tends to become problematic in settings where structure must be adhered to such as at school. The main destination where the “problem” arises, due to the teacher’s lack of ability to fully engage the students. That may be a complaint towards a complacent, bored teacher who hates their job and position in life, yet it more likely is attributed to the entire structure of the school and the rules that have been allowed to slowly seep in. Regardless, the fact of the matter is that the children are placed in a situation that strongly discourages free-will, self-led discovery, creativity, and play. This all sounds like a horrible place to put a kid while you go work at your miserable job.

Are you dumping your kid at this Hell because you know that you also must go to your own Hell for the majority of your day as well?

These places break children. Schools break their spirits, their will to want to learn, creating an attitude that is anti-education when in reality that same ADD child was very likely more interested in learning than the rest of the class. He was looking EVERYWHERE for the next drip of information. To find something to fit the need that he longed for. He is bored out of his mind! That child was me — damn sure.

As I grew into an adult, the ADD did not stop. It perhaps even enhanced for years. I could not find the thing that would fill my desires. That would comfort me long enough to stay in one mode and pursue that. I was always attempting to fill that anxious hole, with no real idea with what I chased. Occasionally, I would find something to delve into that would calm me down.

This finally happened as the ultimate form of calming. At around the age of twenty-five, it must have been, I sat down and tried a game that a friend introduced me to. I have since both regretted this day and celebrated it as the (2nd) best thing that ever happened to me. With regards to the regret, first, because the answer is quick. I soon dove into the depths of this game, losing at least one full year due to the obsessive addiction while I sank into the dark spiral of depression. On the lighter side, the possible best-thing-ever was in that I harnessed the ability to focus myself at a computer for extremely long durations.

The act of playing an immersive game can be very dangerous to the social aspect of your life, it can break you down into a depressive state, it can lead you to losing your job, spouse, or any other priority that competes with your attention. Sitting there on the initial day, I could barely last twenty minutes before my butt was numb and I had the unease in my legs and had to go do a different task. Soon, the game begun to keep me for longer periods. Before much longer, I could sit for hours on end. After months of play, I finally opened up to the social aspect of the game. To the interesting part. To join forces with other characters and defeat hordes of monsters. We traveled into caverns and slayed dragons. It was a blast. I loved it — far too much.

The hours turned into half-days and then into full days. I would sit at the desk until my eyes fell upon my keyboard. Literally sleeping on the keyboard, due to my dedication. I would even sleep on the floor in the office, as pathetic as that sounds, so that I could be ready –instantly– in the morning. I recall being impatient to await the thirty seconds of screen loading time while gearing up for a new dungeon. I was dedicated. I was obsessed. And my Tunnel Vision was in hyperdrive.

I sat at dinner with Mom and Dad. They were talking about one of my younger cousins. Saying of how he is doing so well. That he had [had] troubles and that he was somewhat of a trouble-maker, but now he is seeming well. He is learning a new trade, welding, and is enjoying it very much. Not only is he enjoying it, but the field is surprisingly lucrative these days. In this talk, they had unwittingly influenced me.

I soon enrolled into school. Entering a training regime that I full-bore involved myself in. With every waking moment, I spoke about welding, I thought about welding, I dreamed about welding, I read about welding… and I welded. The tunnel had fully changed. Almost instantly, my behaviors changed and my old tunnel began to fade away. While I still played for a while after beginning welding, the gaming addiction had worn down to barely noticeable.

The next paragraph, I wrote first. But then had to move the placement to after this. But this feels out of context almost. There are obvious problems with the tunnel. I still believe that the tunnel is useful, but it also is needless to even think about. Except to realize that you are within a tunnel. That when someone asks a task for you to do, and you have “no time for it” — perhaps you should consider if this really could have been helpful to you or not. But how do you realize you are in a tunnel in the first place, that is until you look back and see that you have been tunnelling through life at the pace of a sprint? Grinding in your passion, whatever that may be. For me, the tunnel will form around me and I don’t even have a clue… until now that is.

I know it, I see it, I embrace it. Let the tunnel wrap me until the only light I see is the blinding white light of the Sun.

The biggest problem with Tunnel Vision and Obsession is in realizing the time at which to exit the tunnel. For during the dark, depressive days of gaming, I could not even imagine doing another task. I could not even imagine having to quit. It would break my heart to think about stopping… But looking now, I actually believe that was fear of having nothing else left to do. I was stuck in an awful mode of having extreme dedication and while having extreme views towards my own ability in life. I wanted to say that I had no clue about what broke the tunnel vision. I had stated that, but then had to go back and type the last two paragraphs, to explain the moment that I changed. I recall exactly the moment. Or at least I recall the exact dinner. The exact conversation. The smallest little conversation. And even though, I actually have more to talk about on this conversation, I will digress. The same conversation has helped me to realize a few other aspects of life. But in these, they are dark and depressing to me in this moment, and I do not wish to get in that mode of thinking and will not go there… yet.

That simple little conversation is another opportunity to suggest that any interaction that you have with another human may be the one that changes their entire reality. You just might change someone’s entire life because of one sentence — one word. I still imagine that I would have had the opportunity to find another way out of that dark tunnel. Yet, it is beautiful to see that the one who said the things that have led me to my current place, down from one tunnel to the next, and then finally to here was from a man whom I have a very difficult time getting any advice from. But he unwittingly changed my entire perspective with one suggestion. *I actually just realized this.*


I almost feel like I am copying other guys’ work at many times throughout some of this writing, but you really can’t plagiarize wisdom. I will definitely word these things differently as I have my own perspective to add. But in this, I have just listened yesterday on this topic and feel I must include the ideas along with the concept of Obsession. Most people believe that when you go into a full-blown obsessive mode of life — that you may easily become burned out. Upon listening to this concept, I only could fully agree on the statement. I do not agree that I become burned-out, but I agree that other people see it that way. I have only ever had the opposite effects in my life.

As now, I have no reason to become burned-out. I have been doing as I please. Luckily, I have my base covered. I feel blessed with this, but I’m not wasting time. At times that I feel that I am wasting, I really become miserable with myself and I want to punish myself for that. However, if my peers were to view my actions, they would likely think that I am wasting time, relaxing, and soaking up too much sun to say that I am working.

Back a few years ago, I was given valuable insight that has helped me to add value to my own ability. I have not exactly been able to financially capitalize on this value, but that sum will be tallied soon. Now, for the piece of insight, the gentleman had been a draftsman like myself. He worked as a designer, engineer, and I have always respected his advice. He told me that as an engineer (a successful and committed engineer) much of your value is due to [your] thinking over problems in your spare time. However, you don’t get paid for that time. This is truly unfortunate, as I could easily agree that when I have a problem at work, there is nothing in my ability to block it from my thoughts. Unless I don’t care about the problem, and that is why I noted the commitment.

You can say that you get paid for it, due to keeping the job. Due to your aiming for the future, and for your commitment to pondering over your work. Yet, that is really just a byproduct, unless the problem is that of lack of skill within your profession.

I say that I have been paid for all that work, but that I have not received the rewards yet. This work that I have put into my jobs over my years has ultimately allowed me to keep my jobs, and I also have managed to work on my problem solving skills for the duration of this time. This has given me much education towards my upcoming endeavours and for this I will reap abundance. I owe my former employers the opportunities to learn from their enterprises, bouncing from one to the other. Learning little skills here and there.

Back on to the concept of burnout: The ones who become burned-out are those who have become agitated, disgusted, bored, angered, or saddened with their ongoing tasks. The times when I noted burnout have been small. As I have never stuck with something that I did not enjoy for long enough to burn out. On one occasion of burnout, I worked at an aerospace company. The entire department had been forced into a 65 hour per week schedule. This was fantastic for the first few weeks — my pay nearly doubled. Yet we continued on for three months while the electrical group continued on for another three months and they were forced into 70 hours (plus) for the duration. The burnout started to settle in after the pay became normal. After the pay just sat in the bank, stacking up, without any time to even use it. The pay was wonderful, enticing. I saved a nice chunk for a bit. But as the burnout began to set in, I lost total care for that cash. I barely made it to work. I barely came back to work at the end of my already lengthy hour and a half lunch breaks. I took cigarette breaks at increased intervals and I didn’t even smoke. I was hating my job. If it were not for having an interesting outside activity, then I would have been hating my life as well. But even still, having to spend ten to twelve hours each day in a cubicle where your work became as dry as the desert was enough to drive me to send out hundreds of resumes. –to yield no results!! I was stuck!!

I explained the time, but not the reasons of the burnout. The burnout took place because the task that was required was totally pointless. With each day, the only things that I did was to correct the issue from the day prior. But there was no “real issue”. The issues that I faced were due to constant updates to the overall design of the aircraft’s wing. The work that I did was to design brackets that tied hoses or tubes to the interior of the wing. My brackets were fully designed, but the hoses were moved daily. The hose may move by 0.001 inch, but that also required me to move my attached bracket to that exact location. Or at times, a change to a tube was made and then I had to edit my design to match the design intent. The changes were always extremely minimal, but huge pains in the ass! Every day was a meeting, for quite some time. Our lunch breaks were shortened at one point because everyone began to slip into hour and a half breaks instead of the single hour.

The work was far too dull — I became burned out.

I hate the burnout feeling. I fully hate it. I run from it at any opportunity. I had to fight my will to remain in that position with the burnout burning at my soul. I honestly cannot even think of another time in which I became burned out — exempting High School… that place was Hell.

Now, compare that to the statements about obsession. My life has been filled with obsession. Each time that I pick a passion, my passion becomes my life. Thought, action, ability are all pointed towards that goal. Every ambition wraps around that intention and this is how I achieve enough ability to feel free to move to the next project. To the next job, to the next hobby, to the next whatever. I have been obsessed countless times and burnout once. Now, how do you say that obsession causes burnout?


There needs to be variety with my projects or I will become bored and want to find another project to work on. This is why I have decided to work on all projects at once. To allow my distraction to reign wild. To allow creativity to emerge in each area and to push further in each category. At all times, I aim to inspire, act, or to learn. To acknowledge that neither is prefered. I can therefore use any moment to my advantage and witness for discovery’s sake if at any moment my time seems otherwise wasted. If I am distracted by an activity so much that I can not absorb the experience, then instead I focus on another element within the interaction to focus on and hone in on theories regarding that particular subject and then find a connection to that theory. To then build my web further and entangle more ideas within my net that I feel that I can place my hand.

In all this, I can travel along any route and add another stone to the path, at the end. Or possibly to the side, along the path, to add width to the route. Instead of length as that may be needed to eventually cover the entire availability of paths with stones upon which to walk. I can bridge more connections and that is how I see fit to bring in the wisdom to this society that needs to be added or integrated to use full force of all the individual pieces, instead of leaving them laying around partially used due to not having fulfilled their entire possible role or to have not been standardized enough to be used in other ways. To bring these components together, and standardize the old, powerful structures and build the next generation’s building blocks for their success.

Looking at the alphabet for example in this latest concept. The alphabet is based upon ideas for each letter. The individual letter does not have a definition — the definition of the letter could actually perhaps be written, but since the way that we have definitions, which are made up of many words. Then how could you describe a letter with words from which the letters were created?

It is this basic concept that helps to realize that there is a power within individual letters that exceeds that of which the whole alphabet may contain. Or in that each letter holds a key that aims to express a single aspect, in the same manner that one word describes a single object. But once these individual letters are broken down into meaning, the meaning is realized to be determined on outside forces of beyond the word itself. The circular manner in which the definition of a letter is a broken concept. Without the original descriptions that brought about the letter, then how are you to understand the entire word as written or to understand the depth of meaning within each letter?

As is with coding, the binary principle brought forth to languages such as C++. Not to get into much here, because I am fairly clueless, the binary is ancient — basically useless because that information creates no workings for action. It is purely the information that builds the reasoning behind each letter, number, digit. But without the full panel of information that describes one digit, it is practically worthless alone. And now that the binary has been outdated, the basic languages like C have been updated, revised, honed and now have grown to the level of the alphabetic units. The next alphabet needs to be devised so that the ancient bits can fall away. So that we can forget the original units and evolve to larger chunks. The problem with this idea is that you will eventually forget the process by which the binary works and then be back into the same place where we are with the alphabet; having no knowledge of the origins of each letter and how they were devised.

Maybe I got off of track there, but that is the way in which I think and since that I think in many phases of life at once, and not on just one goal, then I have much to do with my time and push in all directions at once. I have to hone my focus. I have to be sure the vector leans in the proper direction, but in that direction I still have much width to flow from one subject to the other. Luckily I am finding much success with this free flowing transitional state as I have found several people interested in assisting with pushing the same ideas that I aim to push. Yet I know I have to be careful to not focus to widely and to push in quick bursts, in sprints of action as I see an opening or opportunity. This goes for now, in this moment as I write this text. The idea of a book is nonsense to most people and in that manner I believe that this could be one of the best ideas that I have. To contradict the beliefs of those around me who have yet to gain the success that they say they dream of, to rebel against all of their techniques — especially if I already follow the opposite. To burn through pages of text and type out my goals, dreams, philosophy, and to say of any action that you may hold me accountable to in my future times. I aim to fulfil all these things. I feel that I must push through and finish all the tasks that I have started, but to do so, I must also work on all the tasks that I deem fitting and that does in fact spread my attention across the horizon. It is almost difficult to reign in on one idea… except for at this moment I have decided to push my efforts towards business. To push my efforts towards building the world around me as I have been dreaming. I aim to start companies, employ people, build products, push ideas, and influence. The list is short in appearance because I don’t want to rant on about all the things I plan on, because then I would just look over-ambitious as there isn’t enough lifetime to fulfill all of these roles with enough dedication to embody them. But it matters not, I just want to have fun with it. I plan to build an empire that may sustain the activities that I wish to see. With this, I cannot just do one task forever — I must evolve and expand.

Wellness Leads to Wholeness


What would it take for you to consider yourself well? Has the thought ever come across your mind? I am certain that happiness has crossed your mind, even if that word is actually overused. In the case of comparing the two terms, as I have just done, you realize that there is very little in difference between well and happy, but between wellness and happiness, there shows as difference. I wonder how that occurs, or if it signifies how much better wellness sounds over happiness.

Happiness is the state of being happy. Happy is feeling or showing pleasure or contentment. While this sounds fantastic, how do you expect the idea to remain happy to be all that great? Hell, if nothing but the pure boredom of never changing your mood, the happiness would not allow suffering through stoic behavior to increase your ability to lessen displeasure in your future. It would seem impossible to remain in a state of happiness knowing how the world can be. If you were happy all the time, then how would you relate to any of your friends, family, or acquaintances . . . unless they too were in that state. I know it is a rather queer suggestion to assume that the whole world could not be happy all at once. I know the goal that I place will aim to reduce suffering. I know that there are dreams of having heaven upon earth by many people, but it now concerns me that within this heaven on earth, the reality would be that of the actual heaven.

Since I do not believe in this place, nor do I really entertain the idea of everyone in the world to be in a state of happiness, because the duality that seems so apparent would cease to exist and without any stress to force upon the creatures of this world, be that plant, animal, or other, then how would anything ever transition or grow?

It really is a strange idea. That without the pain, there would be no joy. Without up, there is no down. Without good, there is no bad and yet without the bad, there is no good. Once this concept is realized, it is rather impossible to imagine this world in a state of non-movement. Nothing would ever change.

This reminds me of my fear of Heaven. Yes, I have always been scared-to-shit of Heaven. The concept of Heaven sounds like torture. Without reviewing scriptural dictation and description of Heaven, the overarching idea is that in heaven, you would:

  • feel no pain, sadness, misery, etc
  • have no worry, problems, or strife
  • everyone in Heaven sings all the time
  • the streets are paved with gold
  • you cannot grieve over the people lost to Hell

It frustrates me to read the dribble that people write in reference to these things. I just looked up about Heaven and one man’s views of “If our loved ones are in Hell, won’t that spoil Heaven”. It sickens me a bit. Because I know the Truth about this. I see through the texts and see the true meaning. I know I have gotten off-topic, but this is just as good a time as any to sneak in some truth about religion. That the heaven that is described in the bible is purely a state of mind. The metaphor that you read in the bible describes that the evil people of Earth will die and that you should praise God as he kills the wrong-doers and sends them off to Hell. But the thing that you haven’t been explained is that the people that the bible refers to are the personas connected to the evil ways. For example, once you defeat the power that sexual desires hold over you, then you rise above this problem and that persona that craves the sex will die away. Then God will cast that persona into Hell. Not you. Your persona is cast. And with that statement, I do not purely mean all sex, the sexual desire that comes out in undesirable attitude. The desire that cripples you on a daily basis; the desire that pushes you to exhaust your sexual power in needless fashion. The sexual vigor is then able to rise, providing energy for many other things. Without that daily addiction to deplete this surge of energy, one is able to accomplish much more. Also, while speaking with a person where there is attraction, you gain the ability to concentrate on the desired person without having the stink of desperation. The need to use every opportunity for the chase exists your persona, but your ambition to mate still exists. It’s not like you become broken, you actually become an improved person — all due to that original persona having been cast to Hell.

So, back on track with wellness. With the idea that happiness is not a persistable quality, then wellness fits the bill. Wellness is not the state of being well, in the way that happiness is the state of being happy.

Wellness: the state of being in good health; especially as an actively pursued goal.

I would imagine that a person whom is well is very likely to be happy. But that is just my first conclusion. A person who is in good health could still be unhappy, but I honestly don’t know many people in good health who aren’t happy. But then, there is always the assumption that a person with good health is just an attractive person, while the reality is that attractive people are oftentimes unhealthful. This state of good is vague enough to rhetorically speak about the idea for days. I will stop.

In conclusion, wellness is the goal. Happiness at all times is unattainable and unrealistic. The state of wellness is very achievable. I would think that the overwhelming majority of the population would be capable to reach the state of wellness — if that priority was pushed as hard as society pushes anti-wellness.

Baby Breathe

Of all the techniques that I will explain, this is ultimately the easiest to guide people into. Not necessarily to get them to accomplish properly, but to get someone to attempt. Perhaps this is due to the ease of beginning the technique. There are no daunting exercises. There is no pre-requisite to the exercise. Depending on ability, the results vary, but not by much.

Oddly enough, this practice has the possibility to change your life in a deep way. The breathe work is multi-functional. The breathe brings in new air into your body. The air brings in the new and that is what most people think of as they think of breathing exercises, in accordance to importance. But what I have come to learn is that the exhale (the exhaust) portion of the breathing process is the more beneficial aspect of breathing. I wanted to make this point clear because I have only recently found this information to be true through extensive usage of the practices. It took several months of dedication to realize this. The exhale of all the toxins, build-up excesses of used nutrients, of whatever has blocked your channels — this is what creates the best success in terms of increasing energy, strength, and flexibility. With the topics that I speak on, the concentration towards the exhale must (should) be fully used. The full exhale of your breathe will bring the greatest results while performing all of these techniques.

To begin, the easiest method of breathing is to emulate a baby. Look at a baby. Look at the way the *baby breathes. You will see that she will draw air into the stomach, filling that capacity and then the air will shift up into the lungs, filling that capacity, and then the air will drop back down into the belly for an exhale. The process is more of a three-stroke type process.

Air inhaled into belly.

Belly to Lungs.

Hold briefly.

Lungs to belly.

Belly exhale.

Brief Pause.

Air inhaled into belly.

Belly to Lungs.

Hold briefly.

Lungs to belly.

Belly exhale.

Try the above technique. Hold your hand upon your belly. As you draw air into your belly with your hand directly over your belly’s button, draw air into the belly first — pushing your hand outwards by the walls of the dome of your belly. As you push your belly outward, like imitation of a pregnancy, you can feel the outer skin of the belly, of the dome, pushing outward, towards your hand. pushing your hand outward as you inhale and draw air into your belly.

Then as you begin to exhale, you may push towards your spine with your hand. If you are laying on the floor (as I would suggest), press your hand downwards, allowing your belly to deflate as you exhale.

That description, above, skipped the process of the transition. I would recommend you to try a few breaths without the transition to the lungs. Try in and out purely. To establish the connection between the inhale (as a rounded belly) and the exhale (as a flat belly). This is likely opposite to your normal action.

This action feels in reverse because you do not breathe naturally anymore (likely). Only a few people that I have met have been aware of proper breathing and of those few who have known, only a tiny handful have naturally re-attuned themselves to that process. Or have luckily managed to never be deprogrammed in the first place. It all goes back to watching a baby while she breathes.

…All this talk about properness and I know that I have misused the term breath and breathe, but it gets so complicated and it doesn’t really matter for the intended use, so please excuse my intended ignorance for now.

Beyond a Baby’s Breath

There are many techniques that I have read of. I will not begin to expound on the practices that I have yet to use, or even of ones that I do not use on a regular basis. I will only speak on the things that I do regularly — daily even, for several months on end. These things that I do, I know they bring much value. I have plans to continue to expand my practice and toughen the works as I become more tough with each passing day, but for now. I only do a few exercises that seem to be plenty effective for my current practice.

As I have stated, the exhale is king. While the inhale is important to enlarge the surface area of the lungs, to increase capacity, to increase ability to filter the negatives from around you, the exhale allows you to rid everything of waste out from your body. All the stuff that makes you feel ill. The exhale allows all of that to release, back into the air from where it came. I should go ahead and explain the effects before I begin to explain the process. As you begin to have all the toxins released from the body. The body becomes free to move. Muscles loosen, joints loosen, tendons loosen. Your whole body gains ability to move much further beyond your normal joint stiffness. Instantly. I have yet to gain a full-split with the process, but I do manage to increase flexibility by inches in many poses. I have attempted the exhale practice with some strength training, to show instant results of 50% more pull-ups after the practice. However, since strength is not my priority or really in my goal set currently, I do not have the experience to speak much beyond flexibility and headstands.

On with the technique. To go beyond the Baby’s Breathe technique. I would suggest to begin to work on your limits. Push the limits on your inhale — expanding your stomach outward with pressure of your muscles. expanding the dome of muscle outward and using that pressure to draw air or force air into your belly.

Begin to use that enlarged dome to transfer air to the lungs. Practice transferring without exhale. Transfer the air from belly in to the chest cavity — and then draw more air into your belly. You may then draw in more air by forcing your stomach outward (just a tiny bit each time, a mere morsel of fresh air), shifting that new air up into the chest cavity, the lungs.

You can repeat this process until you feel necessary to exhale. The cycle: in then up.. in then up.. in then up… in then up… in then up… until capacity… then transfer air to belly, exhaling and pushing your belly inward.

This process will soon enlarge the capacity of your lungs. I have noticed a structural change in my ribs due to this practice. The rib cage will grow. The ribs will separate. The ribs will gain flexibility to move. This all may be due to other practices that I employ at the same time. Yet the practices were all begun by this original technique.

After you begin to learn how to transition the belly air into the lungs and after you have begun to learn how to increase the capacity of your lungs, you should then begin to focus on your exhale process. As I have said already, the exhale is where the healing occurs. As in during sleep, it is during times of the negative that you gain your healing. With absence is how you heal. With that, it is how you gain increased flexibility and movement ability.

When you exhale, you may round your back, rolling forward and press your stomach muscles inward, to force all the air out and tighten your inner-stomach muscles and suck in your stomach. Attempt to pull-inward from the belly button. Pull in from the navel, perhaps using your hands to push towards your spine as you figure out which muscles to use. This is one way, with a rounded back, but you can do this in any position of sitting, standing, lying on the ground, during a headstand, etc. But you will find that the easiest position will be as cross-legged on the grass with hands on knees or leaned over on all fours.

Begin to try to both suck inward, at the navel and then to suck inward, up in towards the heart, suck inward to below the ribs. These practices will begin to lessen your waistline almost immediately. You may drop a pant size without doing any other regime, and possibly without even losing any weight. The exhale practices promote muscle growth in an inward direction — the direction in which you are forcing your stomach.

Those are the basics. I may explain more. But without drawings, there really isn’t even much more to explain. The processes are simple and much variation may be made. I have done other things, but these few are my daily routines and though I do add my own variations, it is pointless to go into detail and to muddy the ideas. The basics in practice will be plenty to attempt and as you do begin to practice, you may add-in any variable as you wish. Variables to consider are speed of breath, hold length, exhaled (voided) time length… Well one more thing:

A great exercise to attempt to once you draw in air to your belly, and then into your chest and you are full to capacity in both belly and lung, then hold the majority of air in by your chest and “pump” air from the lower portion of your body towards the upper portion of your body. This would be — in effect — pumping your diaphragm musculature. This is a powerful exercise that should not be done until you have warmed-up. The technique adds much pressure to all of your torso. You feel tightness throughout most of your body. This should not be done if you are on the verge of needing to use the bathroom. In reality, this should only be done if your bowels are (mostly) empty.

*Don’t go look up “baby breathing” on YouTube, you will be struck by pages of fear and showing “Help, something is wrong with my baby’s breathing!!”*

June 4th, 2018

**This is an unfinished book. There are about 60 pages (16,400 words). This was written around a month ago. Today is 6.4.2018.**

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