I frustrate myself

Today was quite rough with a couple lessons that are tough learned and ongoing as problems and I wonder when I will ever get over them.

Details in order of most recent to early, due to the affect on my mood at the moment. To clear the feeling perhaps. To release the embarrassment and humble myself. In all of my wisdom and knowledge, I have much trepidation over speaking with women of which I am attracted. This has gotten so much easier, that I cannot say that I am awful at it, but the fear is still apparent and I would love to get over the hurdle. The fears are imaginary or taken from influence of our society.

Perhaps the fears are justifiable and due to lack of relationships over many years of my life. Over a month ago, amongst a group of women, and one says that they’d love to find a man that she can have “great sex” with. All I can wonder: “what does that actually mean?” Does that mean that orgasms are difficult to come by or that she wants a more sensual relationship? Honestly, I have no clue.

The only time that I have ever had bad sex is if we were not connecting emotionally. I can clearly count those occasions due to my sporadic (mostly obsolete) sex life. My ex-wife and I had a pathetic time with this and managed perhaps half a dozen times in the sack and all but once were awful. The one time that it was not awful was on the night before I left her for finality and I ‘pulled out’ with hesitance of impregnating her — I call this bad sex too. All sex with her was poor.

The only other occasion of bad sex was with a girl that I never knew her name. She saw me and wanted me. My friends tried to talk me into it, but I didn’t want to. We were in our apartment, the whole neighborhood had a college party going. I hadn’t any attraction to the girl. Not one bit. That sex was bad. I didn’t even take my shoes off. I don’t even know what her face looked like. The pathetic thing is that I was sober before she came by and I forced myself to take several shots of liquor before the act.

And so, all other sex in my life has been wonderful. Much less sporadic than what I hear of most people. It has been a long time for me — a couple years and before that short stint, it had been nearly a decade (with the ex-wife in there). It has only been a couple dozen occasions since the time of my first love, during my eighteenth year. That year was slam-packed with sex — I had a great introduction into sex.

Somehow it all declined after the first girlfriend.

Yet, I still wonder “what does it meant to want good sex?”.

I am not naive enough to say that any sex is good sex, because I have been without. For that matter, I would be more to the opposite due to the ability to sustain myself for years without lowering my standards. I only want sex with someone that I am attracted. Attraction of the spirit, mind, and body. I really have kept my standards high throughout the years, but then when the standards are met; I still have a problem and that is where today’s story lies.

Tonight, while sitting in the Sentient Bean, I continued to read Autobiography of a Yogi. I have been reading this for a week or so, I am a very distracted reader — especially in a coffee shop where people frequently come and go. Also, with my preoccupations, I stay distracted.

These, I may explain by saying that I concentrate on breath and attempt to project ideas into women’s awareness (occasionally men). If that sounds bold or creepy, I apologize — it probably, kind of is. This works amazingly well — I have been working with these psychic tricks for several months. Without explaining to much depth, I boost my attraction level through the use of breathe techniques and then by adding intentional thoughts and focused eye control. The thoughts are to the intention of attraction to myself or to the “mood they will gain”.

If the target is distracted via smartphone, it is very difficult to surpass their own attention. Another note to add is that the target must be a willing participant; oddly enough, it seems that only available women have been accepting of the penetrating thoughts. If the woman is with her husband or (obviously) committed boyfriend, then no reaction occurs. However, it seems that a woman who is willing to cheat is also a ‘willing target’. If their attention is held by merely a book, meal, or pleasant conversation, then their attention is ‘up for grabs’. There seems to be a searching, probing element to the available women that are attracted to these thoughts; if the probe does not exist, then there is no option for attraction to even occur. It really shows that, “if you are looking to be seen, then you will be seen”.

So, this brings me to my evening. As I sat and read, I gazed around the room and attempted the penetration of minds. I targeted several targets as they came and went. Several sat for an hour or more, chatting to friends or staring at their laptop. I managed to gain a couple smiles, but no real attraction. I persisted off and on for two hours or so. I was also reading the book and thinking about my day.

After realizing that it would be best to stop with the antics for a while and reflect more on my day, I sat back and inhaled a few deep breaths. I held them in, forcing pressure on my organs and felt the pressure on my eye sockets. Looking at all sides of my eye sockets, I turned in each direction, rolling my eyeballs around in slow rotations with attempts to stretch beyond normal limitations. Small bolts of lightning struck around the temples as the boundary was swept, allowing lights to shine in starry patterns as does when normal blinking, but with intensity. Breathing deeper, I held and relaxed finally. Allowing the intentions to float away.

I open my eyes, the door opens behind my chair, and I see a slender beauty walk in and sit down across the room. She looks over and smiles. I sat and enjoyed the attention, the brief bit that I desperately attempted to gain for the past two hours and NOW after giving up on the effort, have effortlessly received the boon. I looked down to read as she waited on her food. After several minutes, I noticed that the couch had opened up and so I went to sit upon it. This happened to be just within talking distance of her. She smiled and continued to eat. I read.

I looked up to get eye contact a time or two. And then I moved from one side of couch to the other and got eye contact and a smile. So I said, “that spot stinks” and held my nose. (A homeless man sits there daily). She replied and we exchanged words a couple times and I almost offered to sit with her… but I chickened out for some damned reason.

She left soon after and said good night, I mutually said g’night and within minutes left behind her… but far too behind to catch up.

I frustrate myself.

She was a brown-haired version of the last lady I met (by looks). Tall, cute, pretty smile and seemed nice. All my issues come up in my mind and I stop myself from pursuing the women that I know are attracted to me. It bugs me and I don’t know how to overcome this.

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth” means that you should not look at a gift with critique, because you may not approve. That concept deals with the teeth of the horse. The teeth are the best indicator of health for a horse. If the teeth are poor, the horse will die early. My teeth are my weak spot. They are the only part of my body that I am clueless as to how to heal. My performance with keeping my teeth has been pathetic and I am clearly lacking several once I smile openly, laugh, or yawn. This worries me horribly when approaching women. Luckily, my front teeth are mostly ideal, it is difficult to imagine having lost one of those and still have confidence. 

Beyond that, I don’t have a habitat that is respectable. I waver between a van and my parent’s house. I have no job and my lawn business is not dependable now. I am working to become a healer for income, yet I’m lost as to how to do so. My confidence is stellar in some regards, but for this matter, I am pathetic. And even if I was to manage to speak to her, I have no clue how to close into a date. Especially considering the above statements with regards to social standards of which I do not comply well.

The issues besides those would only be to worry over lack of sexual ability since it has been such a minor part of my adult life and I honestly have no clue how well I would actually perform towards the “good sex” category. I imagine I will burst from excitement far too soon on the first rodeo. I really would like to find someone who is caring enough to accept bad sex for a few times. That comment has stuck with me, practically daily for the entire month. It bugs me nearly to the degree that that girl in Statesboro wrecked me once. When she complained over foreskin in an extreme fashion on our first date. It was bad enough for me to worry over the idea of not fulfilling her desires, however, not even being able to physically impress her from the start… well that was just fucking heart-breaking. That screwed my sex-life or lack of for another few years. That traumatized me far beyond what I once was.

Now, the problem I face is the issue of fear of rejection. But it isn’t fully from fear of initial rejection. I think I am more scared that once you meet me that you will not stay. That I will not impress you enough or that my flaws outweigh my goodness. Or that they’ll realize my age — could that be an issue? — I appear younger than I am.

Exhausted from all the times I have done this lately. With my recent ability to attract the opposite sex, I find it extremely difficult to step beyond a friendship level. Either I feel that they will reject me initially or that I will see them on another day and ask then (but the next time never comes!). Frustrating to type about.

Sick of being lonely. Tired of miserably watching couples holding hands. I want to touch and be touched back. I want to be a healer and help coach people with their lives, but I cannot get past this major obstacle and it frustrates me greatly.

10:41pm @ 12.8.2018